On the Prowl

Well it’ll be three weeks on Wednesday since Beastie saw the light of day. I like to think of this one as being on the prowl, due to the nature of its content. Anyone who has read it will know that there is a delightful twist in the tail of this book but of course I’m not about to reveal what that is. You will just have to read it yourselves.

I can’t tell you how happy I am with Beastie. It’s one of the very best books I have written, in my honest and humble opinion. Up there with The Pheasants Revolt when it comes to vying for the position of my personal favourite. Yeah, that good.

But the burning question, as always, is how is it performing?

Ok, hands up, not as well as I’d initially hoped. But it is into double figures.

I’ve never shied away from the fact that I am totally shit at marketing and therein lies the problem. Our granddaughter Erin introduced me to Capcut, the online content creation website, recently and I have to say it has helped me no end as I feel I am producing some pretty nifty social media posts for promoting Beastie. I’ve gone for a black, white and burgundy colour scheme and am being consistent with fonts and images. Also, I’ve learnt how to add music to my Instagram posts which is rather good as there is a huge library of tunes on there to choose from.

So far I’ve used Born to Be Wild by Steppenwolf, Bad to the Bone by George Thorogood, Wild Thing by The Troggs, Psycho Killer by Talking Heads, and of course Beastie by Jethro Tull. And it’s been a lot of fun to do.

Being an independent one-man band does limit me in many ways but conversely it also allows me certain freedoms that traditionally published authors don’t have. And it’s not as if I don’t have a lot of time on my hands either. Being physically disabled can have its advantages as well as being an utter bastard on occasions. Having more time is a boon when it comes to promo work.

And it’s not like I don’t have ideas. Believe me if you could see what I’ve got planned for Joe Wilkie over the next six or seven years you’d be amazed. So ideas aren’t the biggest problem either. The problem is that my ideas may not resonate with the novel buying public and I do wonder if it’s a case of me putting the right hooks out but with the wrong bait on them.

As much as I loathe modern television advertising I can’t help but admire the people who come up with the concepts (not all, but a lot) and how they manage to tap into their target audience with such effortless ease.

Case in point: all those adverts for Flash cleaning products that are on pretty much every ad break. They really do appeal to house-proud ladies, particularly the ones where it is either the man of the house or the kiddies doing the work. It’s the power of suggestion – simply buy Dust Magnet and Speed Mop and your family will be so overjoyed that they will clean the house top to bottom for you in less time than it takes to sing the theme tune.

And it is a constant bombardment. Literally, every time there is a commercial break on TV you hear someone singing, “Spray, wipe, done!” or warbling about another Flash product.

So who is my target audience?

Well, people who enjoy reading comedy for one thing, obviously. But the net does spread further than that. There are elements of pathos, romance and dare I say, inspiration, in all the Joe Wilkie/Blessham Books and I feel their appeal is a lot broader than just for their comedic value.

But all my social media posts in the last three weeks, since Beastie has been on the prowl, have all been entirely comedy focussed. In the book there is a new love interest for Joe and maybe I should try and blend that in alongside the comedy.

Of course, at the end of the day, it is a comedy novel at the core and that has to take precedence in any form of promotional material. But I can’t help feeling there are other angles I should be homing in on. Hmmm… food for thought.

Anyway. The main thing is that Beastie is most assuredly now on the prowl and if you want to laugh your socks off at the funniest novel you will read this year then get thee sen a copy HERE.

Interview With Myself

How can I tell people about my new novel (available for pre-order on Amazon) without giving too much away? It’s that old thing again about giving people enough information to interest them versus giving too much and leaving them non-plussed or disinterested. I tell you, it’s a lot harder than you might think.

But then I came up with the following idea for an interview.

I’m nowhere near famous enough for anyone else to bother interviewing me and so I thought I’d interview myself. Anyone who has seen the hilariously excellent Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge series will know that on one episode Alan interviews himself. Naturally it all goes horribly wrong as one would expect from Steve Coogan’s most famous creation but of course the main reason for the failure is Partridge’s own narcissism.

Well, I’m the last person in the world you could accuse of being a narcissist. I know my place and it’s somewhere near the bottom of the heap. That’s not to say that I don’t believe in my books and their ability to spread joy and laughter, it’s just that I’ve never been one to blow my own trumpet.

And besides, I thought that interviewing myself might be a fun exercise for me to do.

Now, obviously it could get confusing with both myself and the interviewer being called Alan and so I’ll adopt the name of Clive for the interviewer, purely because I think it’s a good sounding name for such a role and it’s a pleasant enough name as well.

So, here we go then…

Interview With Myself

(cue theme music and audience applause)

Clive – Hello, and welcome to The Clive Show, with me, your host, Clive. On today’s show we have the independent author Alan Stevenson, who is going to be telling us about his new novel. Alan, welcome to the show and thank you for joining me.

Alan – Thank you for having me Clive.

Clive – Let’s start by telling the viewers a little bit about yourself.

Alan – Let’s not.

Clive – Touché!

Alan – Bless you.

Clive – So tell us about your latest comedy novel instead.

Alan – For sure. It’s my eighth book so far and fifth in the Blessham series featuring the lovable protagonist Joe Wilkie.

Clive – I want to read it already, ha-ha. What’s the title of this one?

Alan – It’s called Beastie, Clive.

Clive – Beastie eh? Sounds intriguing. Without giving too much away can you briefly tell us what the plot is about?

Alan – Well, as you know Clive, Joe Wilkie is always in the thick of things in Blessham and this time he comes up against an unknown foe in the form of a strange creature that is lurking in the woods. Of course, being Joe he becomes embroiled in the search for this mysterious beast with the usual calamitous outcomes.

Clive – Yes, I always wonder what our Mr Wilkie will get up to next. Can you tell us what the strange creature is?

Alan – (chuckles) No, I don’t want to give that away Clive, not just yet.

Clive – Fair enough. Can I then ask where the inspiration for this novel came?

Alan – It came from my fascination with the stories and sightings that people claim to have seen big cats such as leopards, pumas and lynx roaming the UK countryside.

Clive – I see. Do you believe these sightings to be true yourself?

Alan – I suppose some of them, possibly most of them actually, will be sightings of large black or brown dogs or something else of a similar size such as sheep with dark wool. But there have been some videos circulating that offer a tantalising chance that they are out there.

Clive – Would you like them to be out there?

Alan – Yes and no, I suppose. Yes in so much as I’d be thrilled to see one and no in so much that if there was definite proof of the existence of a panther or puma then some hot-headed lug nuts are going to bounding around the countryside with guns trying to eliminate them.

Clive – Well, they certainly are beautiful creatures but what about the danger to the public?

Alan – Personally I’d rather come face to face with a big cat than have to suffer this intolerable government that we currently have. They are the real danger to the public.

Clive – (laughs) But you haven’t come all the way here to talk about politics.

Alan – Absolutely, I’d rather have my testicles bitten off by an angry pitbull than have to talk about Kier Starmer. The man’s an arse!

Clive – How very right you are. So, have you given us a clue there as to what the creature in Beastie is? A big Cat?

Alan – (smiles at audience) Nope!

Clive – Aah, you’re remaining tight lipped on that one.

Alan – For now.

Clive – Ok, we’ll leave it there then. Beastie is the fifth title in the Joe Wilkie series. Compared to the other four how difficult was the writing process.

Alan – I’ve always maintained that The Pheasants Revolt is my favourite of Joe’s adventures but that may be down to the fact that it was the easiest to write. With Beastie, I wouldn’t say it was any harder to write than say Hot Eire or Medicine Show, or even Ah Boy! The biggest issue I’ve had with Beastie has been my own health disrupting the writing process.

Clive – Yes, I believe you have fibromyalgia.

Alan – And then some Clive. My muscles constantly hurt. I also have cervical spondylosis which is a pain in the neck and sciatica which is a pain in the arse. Both quite literally.

Clive – So chronic physical pain gets in the way of things.

Alan – Sadly yes.

Clive – But despite all the pain, have you enjoyed writing Beastie on the good days?

Alan – Yes I have Clive. Very much so. I’ve laughed out loud so many times during the writing and editing process which must be a good sign.

Clive – Ha-ha, yes, I suppose if the writer doesn’t find it funny then the rest of us won’t.

Alan – That’s exactly the way I see it.

Clive – Now, I’m given to understand that you also had some hospital treatment last year. Could you elaborate?

Alan – Not really, Clive, because the mere thought of it leaves me squirming with embarrassment. Let’s just say I’ve been given the all clear.

Clive – Well thank heavens for that.

Alan – Yes, I was a tad worried for a while but in the end it was fine.

Clive – Thankfully you’ve come through it. I’d like to ask you what do find helps the writing process.

Alan – Ha-ha! A lot of my contemporaries put their ability to write down to coffee (audience laughs) and some would say that wine is their go to beverage. Personally, I drink a lot of squash and water whilst writing. There has been one major factor in getting Beastie finished however…

Clive – And what is that?

Alan – I was gifted the most excellent computer by my in-laws, the Morgan family. It’s a wonderful machine and has helped speed up the writing of Beastie considerably.

Clive – Oh that’s so kind of them.

Alan – They are the salt of the Earth Clive. The salt of the Earth. Can I give them a wave?

Clive – Of course, please do.

Alan – (waving) Hi Sandra, Paul and Steven. I’ll never forget what you did last year. Love you all.

Clive – And it is so important to have the right equipment.

Alan – Said the actress to the bishop.

Clive – Ha-ha, yes, quite so. Tell me, what is the hardest part of writing a novel?

Alan – It’s a mammoth task Clive, although I always say that writing a book is a damn sight easier than it is trying to sell the bloody thing.

Clive – Ha-ha! So marketing isn’t something you enjoy?

Alan – Remember what I said about Kier Starmer and the pitbull? The same thing applies to marketing as far as I’m concerned.

Clive – I see (chuckles), so what do you consider the easiest part of writing a novel?

Alan – Typing the words: THE END!

Clive – (laughs) Well I can understand that it must be a huge relief when the time comes.

Alan – You have no idea (laughs)

Clive – Getting back to Beastie, are there any new characters?

Alan – There are Clive, yes. I always try and incorporate new characters with every book. There’s a couple of interesting ones for sure in Beastie.

Clive – Will Lady Stark-Raven be prominent in Beastie?

Alan – This is the most prominence Her Ladyship has had since The Pheasants Revolt. I felt she was underused in Hot Eire and tried to include her a lot more in Medicine Show. But yes, she’s right in the thick of things this time round. But let’s never forget who the real star of the books is.

Clive – Joe Wilkie.

Alan – The one and only.

Clive – In Medicine Show, your last book, we saw a slightly different, dare I say steely, side to Joe; especially in the way he dealt with Delius Myth. Has that aspect of his character progressed at all in Beastie?

Alan – A little bit. Joe’s getting older with each book and whilst not necessarily wiser, he is beginning to stand his ground more often. What I don’t what Joe to do, of course, is to lose that wonderful naïve optimism that made him so adorable in the start with Ah Boy!

Clive – Now, about Joe’s naivety. He’s a slow learner isn’t he?

Alan – Very much so.

Clive – Does it not concern you that some people may think you’re having fun at the expense of a slow learner?

Alan – Not at all. I’ve never made light of the fact that he’s a slow learner. Joe is always the hero and always will be. I wish more people in this awful world were as tolerant and forgiving as Joe is. Also, I firmly believe that Joe’s learning ability is very often a strength for him rather than a weakness. It’s both a sword and shield in many ways. Seriously Clive, if I thought for one moment that I was making fun of slow learners then I would stop the Blessham Books and start something new. But I’m not making fun of slow learners. In the character of Joe Wilkie I’m championing slow learners. Joe is the kindest person in the history of literature and I intend to keep him that way.

Clive – Fair point. So finally, Alan, how can people get hold of a copy of Beastie?

Alan – It’s available from April the 1st on Amazon as a Kindle download for £2.99 and a paperback for £9.99. You can pre-order it now.

Clive – That really is the most incredible bargain.

Alan – What can I say? I’m a generous soul.

Clive – You certainly are. Sadly that’s all we’ve got time for. Alan Stevenson, thank you so much and I hope you’ll come back and tell us all about your next book when it comes out.

Alan – I’d love to Clive.

Clive – So there you have it folks. A new Joe Wilkie novel, what’s not to love about that? Join me next time when my guest will be the prime minster, Sir Kier Starmer. Goodnight.

(cue theme music and applause)

Meet Lady Stark-Raven

I’ve been tinkering with A.I again. Just for fun, you understand, I’m not planning on allowing it to take over my life or anything. It’s just that after having successfully created a near spot on image of Joe Wilkie with Google Gemini I fancied having another go at creating Lady Stark-Raven as the last attempt made her look like a bizarre hybrid between one of the female gladiators and Pete Burns.

I wasn’t at all happy with it but I was determined to give it one more try and I do believe I’ve been far more accurate in her description this time.

When I began to write Ah Boy! – Joe’s first adventure, I wanted to create a human monster in Lady Stark-Raven. My rationale being that the scariest and most believable monsters in literary and cinematic history have always been human in their origins. Hannibal Lecter, Frankenstein’s creation, Count Dracula, Professor Moriarty, Mr Hyde, Darth Vader, The T-1000 and so on. There are a great many more when you think about it.

And so, with that in mind I set about creating my monster.

There was a subtle difference, however, with my monster in that while Lady Stark-Raven is indeed monstrous in her beliefs and ideals, she is in fact usually on the side of good rather than evil. She’s more Hulk than she is Thanos.

My initial plan for her never really changed. I’ve always depicted her of being tall for a woman, heavily built in a muscular way, short haired, permanently angry and violent of temper, and rather fond of waving shotguns and riding crops around whenever the chance arises. Some people have compared her to Miss Trunchbull in Roald Dahls’ Matilda but I disagree. Yes, there are some similarities between Miss Trunchbull and Lady Stark-Raven but there are huge differences too and the main one being that Her Ladyship, now and then, shows a bit of heart. Yes, she’s a towering ogre of a woman, but from time to time there appears a small chink in her armour, reminding us that she is actually human.

And, as I mentioned earlier, she is generally on the side of good. Also, lets not forget her love of horses, dogs, literature and gardening. And she has a soft spot for Marguerite in an almost maternal way, as she sees something of herself in that young Ukrainian woman.

Anyway, without further ado, here she is in the flesh.

I give you…

Lady Stark-Raven of Blessham Hall.

Damn but that A.I is accurate. That’s pretty much how I’ve always seen her in my mind’s eye. Maybe a little bulkier perhaps but I don’t want to mess around with it too much. Maybe this is a slightly younger version of Her Ladyship.

One thing is for certain though, you can see why Joe lives in mortal fear of the woman.

Whose image should I try to create next?

Meet Joe Wilkie

Just a short one today because I am agonisingly close to having Beastie ready for publication. Exciting times indeed and a feeling I’ve not had for a few years. Believe me, when you get that email confirmation that your book is live on KDP its one of the best feelings in the world.

So what I thought I’d do today is introduce you to the man himself – Joe Wilkie – the hero of the (soon to be 5) Blessham books.

Now, I’ve always been rather vocal about my disdain for A.I and I do honestly believe that it’s going to cause a lot of problems for mankind at a future date. I don‘t mean that in an apocalyptic way, although that’s a possibility, but more in a way that the time will come that we won’t know what’s real and what is A.I. Come to think of it, we’re almost there now.

However, a good friend of mine was tinkering around with Chat GPT or whatever its called the other day; he was taking photos of us all and then turning us into superheroes, and it seemed like a bit of harmless fun. So, I had a little go on Google Gemini and after a few false starts I managed to create an A.I generated image of Joe.

I wasn’t expecting much to be honest but I have to say that, after making a few tweaks here and there, what I ended up with is startlingly similar to how I view the little guy in my mind’s eye. And I think that anyone who has read any or all of the Blessham books will surely agree that I’ve pretty much captured our Mr Wilkie.

The books aren’t too descriptive of how he looks but the clues are there. He’s five feet seven inches tall, he has mousey, unkempt hair, he has a somewhat vacant (dare I say gormless) expression, and he’s not the tidiest bloke when it comes to appearance.

That’s pretty much the brief that I gave to Gemini.

And here, is what it came up with.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you (drum roll) Joe Wilkie!

Now, I don’t care what anyone else says because I have been writing the character’s life story for a lot of years now and to me that is him in a nutshell. Let me know what you think of it, please do.

I did have a go at doing a Lady Stark-Raven image but she ended up looking like some gentrified dominatrix. I shall try again, though, and maybe do one or two other characters from Blessham. I don’t want to get too carried away because as I mentioned earlier, I’m not the world’s biggest fan of A.I. I can see that it does have its uses, although writing literature shouldn’t be one of them, but I don’t want to get so involved with it beyond making images of my characters.

Don’t get me wrong, I am fairly I.T savvy, but I’m also a somewhat old-fashioned kind of chap and believe that some things, such as writing books, should be left to human beings.

Cover Reveal!

So this week I commence the final proofread of my new novel. It feels like a lifetime since I started writing it but in reality has only been about a year or so. Therefore, publication is imminent and it’s about time I showed you the cover and title, also the back cover blurb, to whet your appetites.

Well, the new novel is called…

Drum roll…

BEASTIE

It’s a fab and funny Joe Wilkie adventure that fans of the little chap are going to love. Once again he finds himself up to his neck in it but Joe being Joe, he faces it with his usual optimistic outlook on life.

But before the cover reveal, lets have a read of the back cover blurb.

Here it is:

Blummin’ ‘eck, it’s all kicking off again for Joe Wilkie. There’s something sinister lurking in Blessham Woods and it’s got the whole village in an uproar. And by uproar, I mean they can’t make money out of it fast enough. As for poor old Joe, he’s never been so scared in his whole life.

Join Joe in his fifth adventure, where he has problems with an old legend, holy water, teenage vandals, ants in his pants, a broken window, buckshot, a hospital visit, the police (again) and hordes of rampaging townies. Not to mention the responsibility of being a Godfather; all whilst trying to avoid being mauled by the dreaded Beastie!

Will Joe escape being savaged? Will Lady Stark-Raven’s aim (and temper) improve? And what about the pretty new stable girl that’s caught Joe’s eye – Paige Turner?

All will be revealed in…

BEASTIE!

Ok, how does that grab you?

Right then, here’s the cover:

You’ve got to admit that it’s the best cover yet of any of my books and it was rendered by our fabulous granddaughter – Erin.

Beastie will be available to buy very soon for £2.99 for the Kindle download version and £9.99 for the paperback version.

Watch this space.

Language Barrier

I don’t half make life complicated for myself at times. I’ve just given myself a mammoth task thanks to the ongoing development of Joe Wilkie.

I’ll explain.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed (you may not but I certainly have) that Joe Wilkie’s vocabulary has been progressively changing over the course of the 4 novels he features in so far and even more so in his fifth outing that I hope to release soon. I know he’s always had that sort of countryside twang that lies somewhere between Dorset, Norfolk and Yorkshire and that’s the main reason that I’ve never revealed the geographical location of Blessham. Only I know which county of England it is set in.

But I have become acutely aware of just how much his vocabulary has altered since his first introduction in Ah Boy! The changes have been fairly subtle but I’m now seeing them myself as large as life and if you were to read all 5 novels in one non-stop sitting you would notice it very quickly I think. You’d probably need a stiff drink as well.

Here’s the thing though, in the novel I’m working on I’ve just about got Joe where I want him regarding the peculiarities of his speech. We know that he’s a slow learner and has always stumbled around complex words, although I never intended him to be mocked for that but seen as a have-a-go-hero instead. In the new novel though I’ve expanded his vocabulary to be even more disjointed, if that makes sense.

For example:

In Ah Boy! Joe would use the word ‘before’ whereas now it has morphed in to ‘afore.’ Similarly, where he once would have said ‘them’ he now says ‘they’ or ‘they’s’ a lot more. There are loads more examples but I’d rather you read the books yourself and see how Joe has evolved over the series.

Which brings me to the mammoth task I mentioned at the start.

Do I now go back and revise all the other Blessham Books to keep Joe’s vocabulary uniform throughout the series? And believe me that is a mammoth task, albeit an easy one from a time perspective because I’m independently published and therefore can do as I jolly well please with Joe or any of my characters. Let me tell you I’m giving it a lot of due consideration. It’s a project that could take maybe six months or more to complete but I feel that in the name of continuity it needs doing.

Talking of giving myself a bigger workload, I’ve started a Blessham database using Microsoft Access. Oh, how I wish I had done this sooner. I’ve got a database for all the characters, one for locations – buildings, towns and villages, one for Joe’s own descriptors e.g. ‘hoppy-onion’ for opinion, and one for future characters that I’m hoping to introduce or just to have in reserve.

Once the database is complete I’ll be able to iron out a few little foibles with the books that have been niggling away at me. The main one being continuity with names. For example, I have used the name Perton several times but with three different surnames – Ardbuns, Shayply and (most recently) Curvey. Now, Perton is not a common name and it would be highly unlikely to find 3 individuals with that name in a medium sized English village and the fact of the matter is that all the Pertons in the books are one and the same person (or one and the same Perton – see what I did there?) And I have come to the decision that Perton Curvey works best, ergo I now have to edit all other references to his name in the other novels to make that all important continuity work.

Like all genuine novelists, I want my work to be authentic and believable, even though it is fictional, and having the same character with three different surnames or the main character constantly changing the way he speaks is an issue that I need to address.

Nearer and Nearer

It’s coming, bear with me, it’s definitely getting nearer and nearer. So close I can almost feel it. No, not Christmas, I mean my next novel.

So, here’s how the land lies. I’ve finished the second read through and edit and am now plunged well into the third. There’ll be a fourth and then a final spelling and grammar check and one last proofread but then it shall be ready to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting world. Ok, a bit dramatic perhaps, but I felt like that because there is a lot of suspenseful drama in this one alongside all the calamitous comedy escapades that Joe Wilkie has become synonymous with over the last few years.

I’ve mentioned before that the fabulous cover is finished, thanks to my wonderful granddaughter, Erin, so really it’s just a case of getting the text done and dusted and we’re good to go.

As for the drama that I mentioned, I think it wouldn’t be fair of me to whet your whistle like that without going into just a teensy bit more detail. This is Joe’s horror story and also, perhaps, something of a detective fiction as well. It’s not supernatural horror; I don’t do that kind of stuff; it’s a farcical, knockabout comedy horror – think Carry on Screaming or What a Carve Up! and you’ll be in the right ballpark.

During the second edit I often found myself having to stop reading due to being incapacitated by uncontrollable laughter. I think some of the scenes and dialogue in this one are amongst the very best that I’ve written for Joe yet. I know that self-praise is no recommendation but if the writer finds it arse-clenchingly funny then that can’t be a bad thing, can it? I figure that if it makes me laugh then hopefully it will make you laugh too.

All your favourite characters are present in this one including Lady Stark-Raven (and her erstwhile staff) who finds herself embroiled in the thrill of the chase. There are local ne’er-do-wells and perhaps the strangest antagonist Joe has ever had to face.

The police are involved and the whole village is financially on the make. Sex sells they say, but then again, so does horror and the Blesshamites take full advantage of the situation. There’s a couple of new female additions to the village one of which has Joe going “gaa gaa, goo goo” whenever he sees her and another female that just sends him completely ga-ga whenever he sees her! Intriguing, isn’t it?

Joe is in deep in this one, in many ways, but, thanks to his ever-optimistic outlook and his wonderfully refreshing naivety, he wins the day (of course he does).

So that’s what I’ve been up to since the last blog post two weeks ago. I’ve reached that stage that all writers reach where you just want it finished and out there to be read. And I sincerely hope this one will be widely read and possibly give my novels the shot in the arm (or kick up the arse) that they need. If it rekindles interest in my work then it will be a job well done. And as far as plot lines go I think there’s only The Pheasants Revolt that comes close to this one.

I do believe in this little book. I’ve really poured my heart and soul into it and I hope that will show in the end product. It’s been a long time coming and I’m looking forward to that wonderful feeling of receiving the email that says, “Congratulations, your book is published.”

I’ll post further updates as and when.

Dog Days, Afternoons and Nights

As we enter the final week of that most heinous of months – the foul abomination that is January, I can see that there has been something of a theme for Ange and I. Namely, dogs. It’s been a dog-filled time like never before.

The year got off to a furry four-legged start when Becky and Paul went to Spain on January 2^nd and we stayed on the boat to look after Noel, Becky’s dog, and Snowy, Becky’s cat. We’re both boaters of old so we weren’t phased by the prospect but by gum I’ll tell you one thing, it was freezing on there.

I had planned to do Dry January again but unfortunately, when we got on to the boat the first thing I did was light a fire (which almost wrecked my knees in the process) and the second thing I did was to open a bottle of wine. The situation was desperate. Noel isn’t a particularly robust dog and it was important to keep him warm as well as ourselves.

And thus began a week of walks, feeding, fussing and poo-bagging.

Noel is a lovely dog but he’s incredibly needy and didn’t have the best start in life when he was a pup. Becky rescued him when he was about six months old and he came with a host of anxiety issues. He’s a loud barker as well and will sound off at the merest hint of a noise. On a boat that can echo and reverberate like having your head in the bass bins during a heavy metal gig.

For most of our week on board the canal was frozen solid but we were pleased with our own efforts at keeping the fire lit overnight. That is quite a skill actually. Not everyone knows how to do that.

We tried to enjoy our time on the boat but the minus degrees temperatures made it difficult and we were glad to get home again on the 10^th. But our canine duties were far from over.

One of our neighbours, Linda, had an accident on the ice whilst we were away and broke her arm. That’s bad enough but take into consideration the fact that she has a healthy and active spaniel and another problem becomes apparent. The spaniel is called Eric and he’s immensely strong, ergo Linda was unable to walk him.

The good news is that the community rallied round and a rota was drawn up for volunteers to walk Eric. He has four walks a day and this made the logistics a bit complicated but Ange put her name down for the early evening walks for the week. She enjoyed it but by the end of the week she was ready for a day or two off. Like I say, he’s a strong and powerful young dog and as awful as it sounds, I don’t think I have the physical strength anymore to walk such a vibrant hound.

The rota is ongoing and Ange is going to put her name down again. I might accompany her on some of the shorter walks, as sometimes that’s all he needs, but if they go for a proper trudge then I doubt my legs will keep up for very long.

During the week that Ange walked Eric we had something of a doggy drama. Becky rang very early on the Thursday morning to say that something was very wrong with Noel. Ange hastened to Skipton to pick them both up and take the poor lad to the vets. The diagnosis was severe arthritis. Now, I’m not a vet, although I wanted to be one when I was at school, but I couldn’t help- feeling there was more to it than that.

Noel is getting on a bit in labrador terms and arthritis is common in that breed but he stayed with us that Thursday night and I have never before in my life seen a dog look so poorly. It was heartbreaking to see. He couldn’t settle and he kept putting his head behind Ange’s back while she sat on the couch. His face had visibly dropped and to be honest I began to fear the worst.

The next morning a decision was made to take him back to the vet for a second opinion. He’d been given some medicine the day before which didn’t seem to have much of an effect and I began to suspect that he had some form of doggy virus because here’s the thing – he was back to his old self over the weekend. We hear about 24 or 48 hour bugs in humans so why can’t the same apply to man’s best friend? That’s the way I view the situation.

The next dog adventure we had was with adorable Bella who belongs to our friend and neighbour Val. Bella is a Jack Russell/Lhasa Apso cross and she is just about the cutest little thing you ever saw.

Val was in the process of moving to a new flat on the ground floor and needed somewhere for Bella to hang out for a few days. We jumped at the chance. Bella is the easiest dog to look after that you could imagine. Really, she is so placid and calm and gentle but also a little comedian as well.

Val asked if Bella could stay with us a couple of nights and we readily agreed. We love a bit of fur therapy and Bella is superb at providing it. It’s comical to see her take herself to bed (ours) at ten o’clock even though we’re still watching TV. She’s also got a rather effective bladder because she isn’t an early riser that needs to do her business at 05:00 a.m. but will happily wait until daylight arrives before doing her ablutions.

It’s win win!

So, there you go, a doggy start to the year. I must say that, as I write, this January has been a vast improvement on the previous three. So far, neither of us have had a life-threatening illness and nobody near or dear to us has died. There’s still six days to go but we’re keeping our heads down and are determined to get through it unscathed.

In between all these animal antics I have been writing as and when I can and I have edited 6 chapters of the upcoming new novel. I’m wondering whether to do a cover reveal yet as I’m as excited as can be about this one. Maybe just a little while longer.

Anyway, it’s Sunday today and Val and Bella are coming to see us later which we’re looking forward to. You’ve never seen a dog smile like Bella when she first sees you. It’s a joyous thing.

All of this leads us to ask the question of ourselves, will we get a dog (or cat) of our own? I believe we will one day, when the time is right. For now, we’re living on borrowed fur and we’re loving it.

What Alan Did

Hallelujah!!!

I think that after all this time of searching, moaning and bleating I have finally found an equilibrium in my writing. Hard to believe I know. How many times have I come on here whinging and whining about my health complications or the next idea to improve my output? Hmmm?

Plenty, that’s how many.

And before you think to yourselves, “Oh no, here he goes again,” let me tell you that I am finally going to use this blog for it’s intended purpose and nothing more.

Blog! It’s a funny word isn’t it, as it doesn’t readily roll of the tongue as easily as “bollocks,” which, in case you didn’t know is the word in English that can be shouted louder than any other word. I’m not expecting you to nip out into the garden to find out, especially those of you who live in affluent neighbourhoods. Those who live in effluent neighbourhoods might get away with it though.

But enough about bollocks, I want to talk about blogging (it’s so easy to get distracted these days) and how I intend to go about it from here on in.

Blog is basically an amalgamated abbreviation of the words WEB and LOG. You probably knew that anyway so apologies if it sounds like I’m trying to teach Granny to suck eggs. Although why anyone, elderly or otherwise, should want to suck an egg is none of my business. But yes, you take the B from WEB and add it to LOG and you get BLOG.

A log, apart from being a piece of unprocessed timber or euphemism for a turd, is basically a record of events or actions. Such as the Captain’s Log from Star Trek for example. A diary or journal if you will.

I often read the blogs of other independent authors and that seems to be the way they play the thing. They use that platform to keep their readers up to date with what is happening on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis. Julia Blake is especially good at this – CLICK HERE to check her blog out.

I have noticed, and can admit the awkward truth, that I have used mine for the aforementioned whinging and whining and at times even railing against the system and the stupidity of my fellow man. And that is not what I intended at all when this blog began way back in… 2020 I think it was.

So for the future, that is what I foresee for the blog. I’ll keep you posted about little old me. A sort of What Alan Did kind of thing.

Substack, on the other hand, has already had the kick in the arse it desperately needed.

My Substack site was suffering from a touch of bloated pomposity and politicization at times and, again, that was never my intention at the start. I wanted to write humorous short stories and make people laugh and have a brighter day. I’m pleased to say that so far, in 2026, that has been the case. I have written 3 absolute corkers which can be enjoyed HERE.

All good so far then.

“Ah!” I hear you collectively cry. “What about all your health issues that you constantly moan about? Well, I’m glad you asked. I’ve finally started my fibromyalgia blog, entitled – The Adventures of Fibroman, which can be found RIGHT HERE. It’s only in its fledgling state at the moment so be kind and patient with it please. It needs work and time management has never been my strong point so bear with me. All I ask is that if fibromyalgia has affected you or anyone you know then do please get in touch through that channel.

That just leaves us with the novels.

Number 8 is written as a first draft and there will be a couple of months of editing the blessed thing. I’m making no more promises about times and dates; I’ve been hoist by my own petard too often in doing so. I’m just going to get on with getting it finished and let you know when it will be published and do the old cover reveal and all that kind of stuff. I can’t wait to show you the cover.

Phew! Glad I’ve gotten all that lot off my chest. I feel a lot lighter for doing so.

One big change I do want to implement however, is to increase the regularity of the blog. Last year I think I wrote something like 20 blog posts compared to about 100 Substacks and I have neglected the poor, dear old blog as a result. Something I need to work on. Call that my resolution for 2026.

Righto, I’m off to Blessham now to start knocking Joe Wilkie’s latest adventure into shape.

Last Roll of the Dice

It grieves me to have to write something so depressing at this time of year when the rest of the world is pissing it up and celebrating an imaginary old guy with a white beard and natty red suit when they should be remembering the birth of Christ. But Hey Ho, that’s the way humanity rolls these days.

I’ll cut quickly to the chase.

My 8^th novel is completed, well, first draft anyway. The problem is that I am tired and in pain and feeling utterly dejected as a writer. I made the classic mistake, when I first self-published of thinking that my work would sell in great numbers; how foolish and naïve I was.

Let me tell you the God’s honest truth – If anyone ever tells you it’s easy being a writer or an author they are clearly lying and they themselves are neither of those things. It’s a bloody hard slog to write a 90,000+ word book, a harder one to edit and perfect it and an even harder one still to try and sell the damn thing. And I just don’t have the wherewithal to carry on banging my head against the wall for no return.

So, here’s the deal.

Over the next couple of months, I’m going to finish editing and preparing that 8^th one for publication. It’s a cracking story and the cover, as I’ve mentioned before, is unfeasibly fantastic. I’ll then do my best to promote it for six months and if I still find myself in the situation where I am now, vis-à-vis not selling any books, then I’m knocking it all on the head. I can’t kid myself any longer and I don’t have the physical capability to do so either.

This book is the last roll of the dice.

Sorry to be such a killjoy at Christmas but I’m on my last legs here.