writing

Finally, Some Good Health News!

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How’s everybody doing out there? Looking forward to the weekend I’ll bet. Me too, but I won’t be touching alcohol. No siree, not a drop of the stuff. You see, I’ve had two wonderful things happen to me this week and I don’t want to sabotage either of them.

Yesterday, I got my first Slimmer of the Month award at Slimming World. I’ve now lost a total of 12 pounds in weight and I’m starting to notice in both how better my clothes are fitting and also in my breathing, which is continually improving.

Before Slimming World I would run out of breath at merely the thought of climbing a flight of stairs. Indeed, I would shun any building that was not either a bungalow or didn’t have a lift – or at least an escalator! Getting dressed in the morning left me gasping and even the lightest of exercise would have me retching for air.

I would even get out of breath putting the kettle on – honestly!

In fact, my breathing was becoming such a problem that my GP thought it was heart related and put me on aspirin, gave me a GTN spray just in case, and made me an appointment at the cardiology department of our local hospital. I thought to myself, “Oo-err, perhaps its time to take decisive action on this.” And I did, I signed up for Slimming World and things are going great.

Now, about the other wonderful thing that happened; and it’s regarding that cardiology appointment.

On Tuesday morning, bright and early, my incredibly supportive wife, the ever and always lovely Ange, drove me over to the hospital where I underwent an echo stress test on my ticker.

In layman’s terms an echo stress test is where they use drugs (legal ones) to make the heart beat a lot faster so that they can take pictures of it under duress. To anyone who has never had one I can tell you that it’s not something I’d recommend because it’s an absolutely bloody terrifying experience. You can feel your own heart going like a road drill and the blood literally “thumps” in your ears; kind of like sticking your head in Lemmy’s bass bin, which I once did. Not pleasant at all.

But it didn’t last too long and it was then that the good news came. The doctor announced that there was no trace of angina and that apart from a little calcification around one of the valves my blood pump was in pretty good shape for a man of my overwhelming girth! I could scarcely believe it gentle reader. He told me that my heart was good for another 20 years if I lost a lot of weight and behaved myself in all things dietary.

I’ll be honest with you, the test did leave me completely exhausted and with the driest cotton mouth I can ever recall having, but that wore off and the weird thing is that I think the test has actually had a most beneficial effect on my heart. At one point during the test my bpm was 140 and my blood pressure was 215 over 98. That’s a tad high.

But I really do think it’s kind of given my heart a workout of sorts because I am noticing a definite change in how I feel overall. Its as if the blood is flowing more efficiently around my body. Truthfully, I’m not making that up. There’s a change.

So no, I won’t be drinking this weekend. I do not want to undo the good that I’ve achieved so far but instead need to build on it. Who knows, there may be other Slimmer of the Month awards down the line.

One last thought on alcohol actually. My brother-in-law, Malcolm, who is 80, came to see us last year and he told us that although he’d like a glass of Guinness he no longer has it simply because he can’t process it anymore. Now, I did have a bottle of the old vino last weekend and I have to tell you that whilst I didn’t have a hangover (because I never do) my body did feel somewhat gripey (is that an actual word?) I felt sluggish and rubbishy on the inside and I think I’m starting to get a bit like Malcolm – I can’t process the bloody stuff anymore.

In conclusion, I still live with physical and mental health challenges but shortness of breath is no longer one of them and I’m hoping that morbid obesity will soon become a part of my past and not a precursor to my future.

Have a great weekend x

In the Footsteps of Uncle Monty

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Apologies for the absence of a blog post last week but I was having a short break in Keswick and despite my good intentions of taking my laptop with me… I forgot it. Never mind though. It was a lovely week, although a trifle too hot, and the views from the cottage we were staying in were gorgeous. Plus, I had a smashing time on the trip boat on Derwent Water on the Thursday. Nice to feel the breeze in one’s hair.

But its back to business now and do you recall me telling you that I would give an update on my progress with Slimming World? You do? Great. Well, here it is.

Despite having an unhealthy quantity of choice food and wine on our mini-break I still managed to come in at two and a half pounds lighter than I was before we went. How, I do not know. Well, I kind of know. We got home on the Saturday morning and since then I have been almost zealous in my determination to drop some more weight.

And so, I’ve been eating tremendous amounts of fruit and salad, without a single drop of alcohol passing my misshapen lips, since then and it’s worked! I’ve now lost 10 ½ pounds in total and am noticing it in my clothing a lot more. It’s the best feeling ever, well, apart from you know what, and I’ve had people remarking on how much better I look already and, with that in mind, I am absolutely determined to press on and reach my one stone target by next Wednesday.

One other thing about our break that was dear to me was that we took a short trip down the A66 to Penrith for an hour or two. Why is Penrith so dear to me? You ask. In a nutshell – Withnail & I. One of the best and funniest films ever made, part of which is based in Penrith itself. So it was kind of a fan pilgrimage of sorts.

Penrith itself is nice enough without being remarkable but I was struck by how friendly and welcoming people were. There was a lovely bookshop, appropriately called Withnail Books, which sold second hand records in excellent condition at amazing prices. Heck! I’m almost tempted to go back there this week and fill my boots. In the end though I just bought two LPs – Bob Dylan and Boston. In truth I could easily have gone raving mad and bought half the records in the shop but common sense managed to raise its wise old head before that happened

If you haven’t seen Withnail & I then I urge you to do so at the earliest possible convenience. Every single line in that film is utterly quotable, my favourite one being when Uncle Monty, over the dining table (pictured), says – “Oh my boys, my boys, we are at the end of an age! We live in a land of weather forecasts and breakfasts that set in, shat on by Tories, shovelled up by Labour, and here we are, we three; perhaps the last island of beauty… in the world.”

There are dozens of others I could have used but that’s the best one in my opinion. But you do need to watch the whole film to grasp the meaning in the quote.

As for Penrith, yeah, nice enough place and we will definitely go back for another pilgrimage at some point. Just need to find out if there is a Slimming World group there so we can stay for a few days and be encouraged to not overindulge.

Nikolai, Where Have You Been All My Life?

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That’s an unusual title for a blog post isn’t it? It sounds like I’ve fallen in love with a man called Nikolai and, I suppose, in a way, I have. He’s great.

Permit me, if you will, to explain.

He’s my dentist.

So why do I love the fellow? Well, in a nutshell, he’s just about the best dentist I’ve ever had. I’m not sure of his origins but his accent is Slavic and to be honest with you, I don’t give a damn where he came from just as long as he keeps looking after my choppers the way he does.

The thing with Nikolai is that he doesn’t waste time. He cracks on and gets the job done with the minimum of fuss. He’s softly spoken and as gentle as a lamb and he’s got a sense of humour, which is something I have found lacking in previous dentists.

I required a filling recently and Nikolai performed it completely pain free. You know that sudden sharpness of the needle going into the gum? Yes? Well, I didn’t even feel that. Nothing. Not a single thing. And the whole shebang was over in a few minutes and I was out of there and back on my way before you could say the words, “Rinse and spit!”

I have had a few dentists in my time here on Earth and whilst, yes, some of them have been very good but none of them have been up to his standard. And, during my childhood, my mouth was set upon by some absolute monsters.

My very first dentist was a lady called Miss Campbell and I still have vivid nightmares about the woman. She was about four and a half feet high, well advanced in years, hunchbacked and stooped, and should have retired at least a decade before she did. She had clearly never heard of the concept of pain free dentistry and, being the official school dentist, she was allowed to practice oral terrorism on every child in the district.

She wasn’t an unkind lady though, not really, just crap at her job. I can still hear the screams of the other children as I sat trembling outside the “treatment” room waiting my turn. I was petrified, truly petrified. I would rather have jumped in front of the school bus than endure her horrific methods.

The worst thing that Miss Campbell did, however, wasn’t to me but to my brother. We both required “treatment” at the time and were hauled into Miss Campbell’s waiting room quivering with fear. I was selected to go first and, in spite of my high-pitched squeals of agony, Miss Campbell set about me with her trusty drill.

My brother, on the other hand, required gas for his “treatment.” Back in those days it was common enough for dentists to render their patient’s unconscious by means of a heavy, black, rubber mask being placed over the mouth and nose and a mixture of nitrous oxide and halothane being pumped into the mask and inhaled by the patient.

Standard practice in those days.

However…

Miss Campbell, who I mentioned earlier was way past retirement age, gave my brother too much of the gas mixture and there then followed a frenzied episode of general panic as she and her assistants endeavoured to revive him. I was terrified and I can’t even begin to imagine how my mother must have felt. It was horrible.

Thankfully, Ian eventually came round again and we left the dental surgery and had ice creams as a post torture treat. That was also common in those days.

Can you imagine that happening these days though?

If that happened now then the dentist would have been hauled through the courts, been put out of practice, and my family would be wealthy beyond our wildest dreams due to the huge settlement fee we would have received.

But this was 1972 and we just got over it.

We moved to a new area when I was eight and I thought I had left all my dental horrors and Miss Campbell behind me. How wrong I was.

The next dentist I had for the remainder of my school years was a lady, and I use the term “lady” loosely, called Mrs Rampton. There’s also a high security mental hospital in Nottinghamshire called Rampton and I have a firm and unshakable belief that that’s where the woman belonged.

I swear she was psychotic.

She seemed to delight in inflicting pain on children. Seriously, anyone walking past her surgery during school hours would have thought blue bloody murder was being committed in there. She would regularly perform dental surgery without any form of anaesthesia and would screech like a harpy at any child who dared to register even the smallest cry of discomfort.

But, Mrs Rampton had a husband – Mr Rampton. Mr Rampton was the antithesis of his wife. He was physically huge but as kind towards children as could be. He would talk to you through the whole process and would always give you a sticker for being so brave. How could the two be so different?

Sadly, I only saw Mr Rampton on a handful of occasions and most of my “treatments” were done by the Psycho Bitch from Hell instead.

No wonder then that once I reached the age (16) where my mother could no longer get me to go to the dentist, I simply didn’t go. I’d had enough of dentists to last me a lifetime and I sure as heck wasn’t going to put myself through that if I didn’t have to.

The downside to this was that my teeth, over time, fell into disrepair and I was forced to go and visit a dentist for some major dental work at the age of twenty-five. And it was ok. In the nine years between my final savaging at the hands of Mrs Rampton and the work I had had done in the early 90s was remarkably different. I finally felt that I could go back to having regular dental treatment.

Since then, I’ve had maybe four or five different dentists and they’ve all been really good, especially Mrs Jassat, but none of them can compare to my main man Nikolai. He’s the bees knees when it comes to my oral hygiene.

So I guess the moral of this story is, when you get a bloody good dentist hang onto them for dear life because the alternatives might not be so pleasant. And I’m hanging on to my Nikolai.

Treble Top

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I hate to say it as I thought it would never happen but I think I’m finally too old to rock ‘n’ roll. Well, maybe not too old per se but certainly too limited physically. That notwithstanding, I just turned 60 (treble top, get it?) years old on Monday and I was thrown the most wonderful party by those who love me.

Last Saturday a crowd of friends and family descended upon the Fisherman pub in Bingley to wish this greying and wrinkling fella a happy birthday and it was fabulous.

Before I go any further, I must thank some people, namely my wife Ange, daughter Becky and granddaughter Erin for all their hard work in preparing the party. It was meant to be a surprise but I found out about it and so was expecting it instead. What I wasn’t expecting was the outpouring of love and best wishes that I received on the night.

Erin had instructed the landlord of what kind of music I like and the soundtrack of the evening was heavily flavoured with classic hard rock by the likes of Black Sabbath, Queen and Led Zeppelin. What’s not to like about that? Nothing at all, and at one point I conducted a mass sing-along of Bohemian Rhapsody that was both funny and fantastic. But the problem now is that I’m paying for it physically (FMS flare up) ergo the first line of this blog post.

Then again, that’s what a whole lot of Guinness and a large JD gets you – carried away.

Still, it was a truly great night had by all. There were a lot of folks I hadn’t seen in a good long while and it was lovely to catch up with them. My three oldest Yorkshire friends Dave, Carl and Kenny were all there and it warmed my heart to see them. I need to keep in touch with them a lot more as they are worth the effort.

A lot of my fabulous in-laws from the legendary Landers Clan were there which is really rather touching that they all made the effort to come over from Merseyside to see little old me and help me celebrate; I must have made a good impression on them. Seriously, they’re all very supportive of me and my writing and I wouldn’t be without any of them. Thanks guys, I greatly appreciated you all being there.

The food on the night was a finger buffet but not your common or garden variety. It was a delicious selection of things with not a single vol-au-vent or sausage on a stick in sight. Or any fingers for that matter. And there was a cake (pictured) made by a friend of some friends (Debbie and Barry) that was decorated with iced versions of books and vinyl records. It was also rather sumptuous to eat and very moreish.

I think the party curtailed at about 1:30 in the morning but don’t quote me on that as my memory of it is unreliable.

So, 60 years, and right now I’m feeling every bloody one of them. Its ok though, the flare up will flare down after a while and besides, I damn well enjoyed myself no end so to hell with bloody FMS and thank you to all who took the time to turn up and make this old rocker go misty-eyed.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart x

PS – There were cards and presents galore to the point I was feeling a bit emotionally overwhelmed. People are so thoughtful.

Strange Phenomena x 2

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So we’ve been on another little break, Ange and I, and have come home in a state of being blissfully relaxed. Four nights in a log cabin near the Yorkshire Coast with a wood fired hot tub, plenty of wine, and BBQ food. It was heavenly, it truly was. We saw all sorts of wildlife, which made Ange’s visit, and I didn’t need pain relief at any time which I always find with a hot tub. It soothes my muscles like nothing else can.

If only I could get one on the NHS…

Anyway, we’re back home now and it’s back to business, which for me is starting the next Joe Wilkie adventure. But, before I get on with that, I’d like to draw your attention to not one but two rather strange phenomena that happened on our mini break.

The first one was a meteorological phenomenon, which I’m sure any self-respecting weather man could explain away in a few words but to us it was so strange.

On the Saturday there had been a stiff breeze blowing all day. We didn’t mind it; quite welcomed it actually. It was coming in off the coast and so it was refreshing in the way that only coastal winds can be.

Then, around six o’clock in the evening, we had a short thunderstorm. Nothing too startling – the odd rumble of sound, occasional flash of sheet lighting and some rather large raindrops. We waited inside the cabin until it passed, which wasn’t long at all really.

When we came out, after it was all over, that’s when the phenomenon happened!

What had been a robustly windy day had, in fifteen minutes, turned into the stillest evening I can ever recall. There wasn’t even so much as a breath of wind. Nothing! Just total stillness. No movement in the trees, no birdsong. It was almost eerie in how it had transposed from a swift breeze to absolutely none at all. Very weird.

Like I say, I’m sure there’s a positively simple and normal explanation for it but what I can say is that it enabled us to have our first BBQ of the weekend. I mean; I’ve heard of the calm before the storm but not after one.

The second phenomenon was a rather more lavatorial one.

Now, at home, my aging bladder calls on me to go to the throne room at least once every hour. I accept it, as a man fast approaching sixty years of age, to come with the territory. In fact, I can’t even enter our kitchen for anything without a sudden urge to run to cludgie (as they say in Scotland) and relieve myself.

Too much information?

Sorry, but it’s necessary, as you will discover.

The strange thing over the hot tub weekend was that my trips to the loo were reduced to just about three times a day and I can’t think why. I was drinking wine and coffee and beer and lots of water (one needs to stay hydrated in a hot tub) and eating loads of fruit. And yet, only a few khazi calls. Now why is that?

I do have a couple of theories, the best of which being that in the hot tub you do actually sweat, believe it or not, and so I may have held onto a lot of fluid that way via water retention. Perhaps it was my body’s way of saying I needed to hang on to some of my water.

I don’t know, but what I do know is that the moment we arrived home my bladder was back to its old self and the hourly flushing fanfare recommenced.

It was bizarre. If anyone knows a reason for it then I’d like to hear it so please do drop a comment below.

Now then, Mr Wilkie is in all sorts of bother again so I’d better get back and see what he’s up to. Expect a progress report soon. Also, don’t forget to buy BEASTIE and leave me a review when you’ve read the marvellous thing.

When in France

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Just a quick one – Oooh, Matron!

If, by any chance, you’re wondering where I’ve been for the last month then I can now reveal to you that a fortnight of it was spent in the Dordogne region of France. A desperately needed holiday, or getaway, or whatever you want to call it. And it was utterly sublime.

I have returned feeling inspired, gentle reader. In fact, I was so inspired whilst I was in France that I wrote seven poems and even worked out the plot for the next Joe Wilkie novel. How about that then? You can’t accuse me of being completely idle, even though I also spent large swathes of time crashed out in a conservatory chair on the patio. Ahem!

I’ve published the poems on Substack this week and you can read these French fancies HERE.

The thing is, where we were staying was so eye-wateringly beautiful it would be a hard-hearted individual who wouldn’t feel inspired. I’d heard the Dordogne was nice but it’s so much more than merely nice. It’s truly bucolic in every sense of the word.

*Bucolic – an adjective that refers to the pleasant, peaceful aspects of the countryside, country life, or rustic landscapes. It is typically used to describe idyllic, natural, and charmingly simple settings, such as rolling green meadows, grazing animals, or quiet rural villages

That sums it up pretty well.

Naturally, being something of a gourmand, I sampled a great deal of wine and cheese on my hols and have returned five pounds heavier than when I left. Take that Ryanair!!!

I even had a go at pétanque which ended in dismal failure of course. My wretched arms and back simply weren’t up to it and to tell you the truth I’m glad because a couple of local children were taking me to the cleaners at it which was tres embarrassing. Fun whilst it lasted though.

So yes, I’ve come back feeling refreshed. We ate well, slept well, and lived well for twelve days in the French sunshine and I’m now about ready to take on that next novel.

*Talking of novels, can I just prompt anyone who has read Beastie to please leave me a review on Amazon, Goodreads or Facebook. Thank you.

My fear of flying came fully to the front before and during our holiday and it didn’t help that our outbound flight was at 06:00 in the morning. I even had a pint of lager in the airport bar to try and stem the nerves and the thought came to me that the last time I had a drink at that time of day was somewhere in my mid-twenties. And it didn’t really help anyway.

The only thing that made me feel better was the woman sat next to me who was even more terrified than I was. I thought she was going to burst into tears when we landed. I did work out a little system though to keep my mind occupied. I worked out how long the flight was in five-minute increments and then counted them off one by one as they passed and actually, that helped. Yes, I know I’m a big girl’s blouse but we all have a fear of something or other.

Anyway, needless to say we had a nice time and got safely back in one piece. I now need to lose my holiday weight, which I have already started doing, and get some writing done.

It’s always great to go on holiday (unless it’s Skegness) but it’s equally lovely to get home again and back to a bit of normality. Blimey, if I were still there stuffing all that camembert and red wine down my gullet I’d be enormous. Oh! How silly of me; I already am.

Business as usual now.

On The Road Again

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Just a quick one today folks.

Hope you’re all having a great Monday so far. I know, I know, it’s the worst day of the week but seriously I hope you’re all having the best one you possibly can. As for me, well, I’m not having such a great time today. I’ve had a screamingly violent headache for 4 whole days now and it’s starting to wear a bit thin.

I know what it is – too much screen time and a badly overdue eye test. I’m a fool to myself at times.

However, I am in something of a good mood because Ange and I are officially back on the road again. Yes, we have a new car and we love it.

We had to sell our old car, Zebedee (don’t ask) a 2010 Renault Scenic after it got to the stage where the cost of repairs far outweighed the value of the vehicle. Basically, we needed to spend over £800 to get it fixed and the value of the car was less than £300. Just good economic sense at the end of the day.

The saddest part is that we loved that car. It was an absolute trooper of a machine and having a 1900cc diesel engine it mocked even the steepest of hills. A handy thing when you live in the Yorkshire Dales. But in the end our heads had to rule our hearts and we sold her to We Buy Any Car and got a measly £278.01 for her. Where the penny came from I still haven’t worked out. It’s a strange thing isn’t it?

That was in late March and since then we’ve been reliant on taxis, public transport, and the kindness of others where our transportation requirements are concerned. Thank you to all those who helped us out during that difficult time – you know who you are.

Fast forward to last Tuesday and we took possession of our new ride and we’re delighted with it. It’s an MG ZS, 24 plate, 1500cc, in burnt orange, and it’s got more gadgets and gizmos than I have ever known on a vehicle in my life. I’m starting to get my head around some of it now though.

And yes, in case you’re wondering, that is a picture of said new car at the top of this post.

We all love it when we get a new car, come on now, you know you do, and we’re just the same. But it’s not just that new car feeling that we’ve got. On a personal level it is a great boon for yours truly. It’s got more head height and more leg room than old Zebedee plus the leather (heated) seats provide a level of driving comfort I’ve never known before. It’s like sitting in your favourite armchair as the world zips by. And speaking as someone who has a physical disability let me tell you that is the best part about it.

I’m also loving the reversing cameras. I’ve not had a car with it before and what a smashing thing it is. It makes parking almost effortless.

I’ve even gone and bought one of those hand-held vacuum cleaners that plugs into the charging port so that I can keep it as pristine as possible. Honestly, I’ve never been that precious about keeping a car clean. I suppose the reason for that may be that now Ange is officially retired we need a nice, clean motor and not a workhorse. Our other cars were used to carting about sacks of coal, Calor gas bottles, and all manner of things that we required during our time boating on the canal.

The MG though, I fully intend to maintain to a high standard. That means there will be no flaky pastry sausage rolls, sugary doughnuts, or MacDonalds eaten in it. Not that we eat those things now anyway but it’s the principle that counts.

So, just wanted to let you know what we’ve been up to. We’re mobile again and I have a four-day old headache that feels like an imp is behind my eyes and trying to kick them out of my head with steel toe-capped hob-nailed boots. Other than that its business as usual.

I’m hoping to make a start on the next thrilling Joe Wilkie adventure soon. Beastie hasn’t made the splash that I’d hoped for and if you recall I was thinking of jacking it all in at one point. But I’ve decided to press on and build up the Blessham canon as it were. So expect Joe Wilkie 6 some time next year. It’s going to be nuts – literally!

Sorry to crow a bit about the car but I can’t even begin to explain what a great blessing it has been.

Pain Stops Play

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It’s a sad state of affairs but I’m afraid I must utter the F word again. No, not that one, I mean the other one. The one I get sick and tired of uttering…

Fibromyalgia!

Yeah, that one.

Its gone and got in the damn way again this week and I’m annoyed because prior to this flare up things had been going relatively swimmingly. I’ve got a new novel out in BEASTIE and I’ve been promoting the blessed thing as much as possible with the limited energy that I have and, furthermore, there’s been a few sales on the horizon (see what I did there – sales, not sails).

And now… well, its all ground to a juddering halt.

We spent last weekend on the boat (Friday to Tuesday) and I’m sorry to report that the physical nature of boating life has rendered me fatigued and in mortal agony. In addition, being absent minded, I forgot to charge up the new massage gun and so the pummelling I was hoping to unleash on my biceps and calves today never happened.

I’m sat here typing this to take my mind off it while it goes through its three-hour charging cycle.

It was a lovely long weekend in many ways. We caught up with a lot of old friends and spent quality time with our epic granddaughter and we imbibed a glass of vino or two along the way. And then, on the last morning, we had to get rid of our rubbish and take the cassette toilet to be emptied. Anyone familiar with canal boating will readily tell you that it’s not so easy as it is in a house.

You can’t just put your bin bags out for those nice chaps in hi-vis from the council to collect and likewise, one can’t just jettison one’s leavings any old where but instead the foulness you have collated over several days has to be taken to something called an Elsan Point and deposited hence.

It’s labour intensive and, in our case, involved a fairly lengthy journey on foot with a rickety festival trolley and an overly anxious labrador.

Now, having arm muscles that are about as much use as a drum kit in a library and legs that quiver and tremble with only the bare minimum of exertion, I found our mile long walk to the Elsan somewhat challenging to say the least.

In fact, challenging doesn’t really do it justice at all. Crossword puzzles can be challenging, what we endured during that hellish hour and a half was something akin to a forced route march at gunpoint. And I must be completely honest when I say that my lovely Ange did the vast bulk of the work. I held onto the anxious lab until my back couldn’t take anymore of his pulling on the lead and I had to stop at one point and have a quick blast of GTN spray to calm my pounding heartbeat. There was a brief moment when I honestly believed that an ambulance might be required.

Thankfully, I pulled through and with a gargantuan effort on both our parts we ascended Five Rise Locks like Hillary and Tensing summiting Everest. The fact that several elderly ladies with strollers and a small child on one of those pedal-less bikes with stabilisers attached overtook and got up there before I did is not something I am particularly proud of.

But praise be to Almighty God, the café at the top of the locks was open and we were able to refresh ourselves with sandwiches and drinks. That was quite pleasant, for a while, until the picnic bench seating we were sat on came up to meet my weight on the other side and my back end felt like it had been kicked all the way we had come. In short, I was in a mess.

How on Earth would I get back to the boat?

The solution was a simple one.

A taxi.

Ah! You may say, why didn’t you get a taxi up there in the first place? The answer to that is obvious to me. It’s hard enough to get a taxi in Bingley that will accommodate a dog but to get one to carry a plastic box full of sewerage is another matter altogether.

But with the cassette now empty and thoroughly cleansed it wasn’t too bad, although Ange and I had to take separate cabs due to said labrador being an absolute nob. But that’s a story best kept for another time.

Needless to say that our mission was a success. A slow, painful one but a success none the less. Then it was just the small matter of getting home and I really don’t want to go into details about that journey because I’m rather miffed about it. Again, perhaps a story best left for another time.

And so, we’re now into Thursday and I’ve done bugger all since that monstrous climb up Five Rise except take Bella out to do her business while her mum, Val, was out for the morning. I wanted to write yesterday, I really did. Unfortunately both the spirit and the flesh were weak in this one and I pretty much spent the day feeling terribly sorry for myself. The sheer effort of emptying a chemical toilet has left me stiffer than a vagrant’s underwear and even composing this blog post has felt like a struggle.

Oh I’ll be back, I know I will, but for now I just have to accept that my arse is being rudely felt by fibromyalgia and I desperately need to stop now and have a hot milky drink and a brace of tramadol. In fact, I’ve felt so physically horrendous that this morning I forsook asking Alexa to play some progressive rock in favour of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. That’s how bad it is!

See you all anon and don’t forget to check out BEASTIE or any of my books; they’re all thumping good reads.

On the Prowl

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Well it’ll be three weeks on Wednesday since Beastie saw the light of day. I like to think of this one as being on the prowl, due to the nature of its content. Anyone who has read it will know that there is a delightful twist in the tail of this book but of course I’m not about to reveal what that is. You will just have to read it yourselves.

I can’t tell you how happy I am with Beastie. It’s one of the very best books I have written, in my honest and humble opinion. Up there with The Pheasants Revolt when it comes to vying for the position of my personal favourite. Yeah, that good.

But the burning question, as always, is how is it performing?

Ok, hands up, not as well as I’d initially hoped. But it is into double figures.

I’ve never shied away from the fact that I am totally shit at marketing and therein lies the problem. Our granddaughter Erin introduced me to Capcut, the online content creation website, recently and I have to say it has helped me no end as I feel I am producing some pretty nifty social media posts for promoting Beastie. I’ve gone for a black, white and burgundy colour scheme and am being consistent with fonts and images. Also, I’ve learnt how to add music to my Instagram posts which is rather good as there is a huge library of tunes on there to choose from.

So far I’ve used Born to Be Wild by Steppenwolf, Bad to the Bone by George Thorogood, Wild Thing by The Troggs, Psycho Killer by Talking Heads, and of course Beastie by Jethro Tull. And it’s been a lot of fun to do.

Being an independent one-man band does limit me in many ways but conversely it also allows me certain freedoms that traditionally published authors don’t have. And it’s not as if I don’t have a lot of time on my hands either. Being physically disabled can have its advantages as well as being an utter bastard on occasions. Having more time is a boon when it comes to promo work.

And it’s not like I don’t have ideas. Believe me if you could see what I’ve got planned for Joe Wilkie over the next six or seven years you’d be amazed. So ideas aren’t the biggest problem either. The problem is that my ideas may not resonate with the novel buying public and I do wonder if it’s a case of me putting the right hooks out but with the wrong bait on them.

As much as I loathe modern television advertising I can’t help but admire the people who come up with the concepts (not all, but a lot) and how they manage to tap into their target audience with such effortless ease.

Case in point: all those adverts for Flash cleaning products that are on pretty much every ad break. They really do appeal to house-proud ladies, particularly the ones where it is either the man of the house or the kiddies doing the work. It’s the power of suggestion – simply buy Dust Magnet and Speed Mop and your family will be so overjoyed that they will clean the house top to bottom for you in less time than it takes to sing the theme tune.

And it is a constant bombardment. Literally, every time there is a commercial break on TV you hear someone singing, “Spray, wipe, done!” or warbling about another Flash product.

 So who is my target audience?

Well, people who enjoy reading comedy for one thing, obviously. But the net does spread further than that. There are elements of pathos, romance and dare I say, inspiration, in all the Joe Wilkie/Blessham Books and I feel their appeal is a lot broader than just for their comedic value.

But all my social media posts in the last three weeks, since Beastie has been on the prowl, have all been entirely comedy focussed. In the book there is a new love interest for Joe and maybe I should try and blend that in alongside the comedy.

Of course, at the end of the day, it is a comedy novel at the core and that has to take precedence in any form of promotional material. But I can’t help feeling there are other angles I should be homing in on. Hmmm… food for thought.

Anyway. The main thing is that Beastie is most assuredly now on the prowl and if you want to laugh your socks off at the funniest novel you will read this year then get thee sen a copy HERE.

Interview With Myself

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How can I tell people about my new novel (available for pre-order on Amazon) without giving too much away? It’s that old thing again about giving people enough information to interest them versus giving too much and leaving them non-plussed or disinterested. I tell you, it’s a lot harder than you might think.

But then I came up with the following idea for an interview.

I’m nowhere near famous enough for anyone else to bother interviewing me and so I thought I’d interview myself. Anyone who has seen the hilariously excellent Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge series will know that on one episode Alan interviews himself. Naturally it all goes horribly wrong as one would expect from Steve Coogan’s most famous creation but of course the main reason for the failure is Partridge’s own narcissism.

Well, I’m the last person in the world you could accuse of being a narcissist. I know my place and it’s somewhere near the bottom of the heap. That’s not to say that I don’t believe in my books and their ability to spread joy and laughter, it’s just that I’ve never been one to blow my own trumpet.

And besides, I thought that interviewing myself might be a fun exercise for me to do.

Now, obviously it could get confusing with both myself and the interviewer being called Alan and so I’ll adopt the name of Clive for the interviewer, purely because I think it’s a good sounding name for such a role and it’s a pleasant enough name as well.

So, here we go then…

Interview With Myself

(cue theme music and audience applause)

Clive – Hello, and welcome to The Clive Show, with me, your host, Clive. On today’s show we have the independent author Alan Stevenson, who is going to be telling us about his new novel. Alan, welcome to the show and thank you for joining me.

Alan – Thank you for having me Clive.

Clive – Let’s start by telling the viewers a little bit about yourself.

Alan – Let’s not.

Clive – Touché!

Alan – Bless you.

Clive – So tell us about your latest comedy novel instead.

Alan – For sure. It’s my eighth book so far and fifth in the Blessham series featuring the lovable protagonist Joe Wilkie.

Clive – I want to read it already, ha-ha. What’s the title of this one?

Alan – It’s called Beastie, Clive.

Clive – Beastie eh? Sounds intriguing. Without giving too much away can you briefly tell us what the plot is about?

Alan – Well, as you know Clive, Joe Wilkie is always in the thick of things in Blessham and this time he comes up against an unknown foe in the form of a strange creature that is lurking in the woods. Of course, being Joe he becomes embroiled in the search for this mysterious beast with the usual calamitous outcomes.

Clive – Yes, I always wonder what our Mr Wilkie will get up to next. Can you tell us what the strange creature is?

Alan – (chuckles) No, I don’t want to give that away Clive, not just yet.

Clive – Fair enough. Can I then ask where the inspiration for this novel came?

Alan – It came from my fascination with the stories and sightings that people claim to have seen big cats such as leopards, pumas and lynx roaming the UK countryside.

Clive – I see. Do you believe these sightings to be true yourself?

Alan – I suppose some of them, possibly most of them actually, will be sightings of large black or brown dogs or something else of a similar size such as sheep with dark wool. But there have been some videos circulating that offer a tantalising chance that they are out there.

Clive – Would you like them to be out there?

Alan – Yes and no, I suppose. Yes in so much as I’d be thrilled to see one and no in so much that if there was definite proof of the existence of a panther or puma then some hot-headed lug nuts are going to bounding around the countryside with guns trying to eliminate them.

Clive – Well, they certainly are beautiful creatures but what about the danger to the public?

Alan – Personally I’d rather come face to face with a big cat than have to suffer this intolerable government that we currently have. They are the real danger to the public.

Clive – (laughs) But you haven’t come all the way here to talk about politics.

Alan – Absolutely, I’d rather have my testicles bitten off by an angry pitbull than have to talk about Kier Starmer. The man’s an arse!

Clive – How very right you are. So, have you given us a clue there as to what the creature in Beastie is? A big Cat?

Alan – (smiles at audience) Nope!

Clive – Aah, you’re remaining tight lipped on that one.

Alan – For now.

Clive – Ok, we’ll leave it there then. Beastie is the fifth title in the Joe Wilkie series. Compared to the other four how difficult was the writing process.

Alan – I’ve always maintained that The Pheasants Revolt is my favourite of Joe’s adventures but that may be down to the fact that it was the easiest to write. With Beastie, I wouldn’t say it was any harder to write than say Hot Eire or Medicine Show, or even Ah Boy! The biggest issue I’ve had with Beastie has been my own health disrupting the writing process.

Clive – Yes, I believe you have fibromyalgia.

Alan – And then some Clive. My muscles constantly hurt. I also have cervical spondylosis which is a pain in the neck and sciatica which is a pain in the arse. Both quite literally.

Clive – So chronic physical pain gets in the way of things.

Alan – Sadly yes.

Clive – But despite all the pain, have you enjoyed writing Beastie on the good days?

Alan – Yes I have Clive. Very much so. I’ve laughed out loud so many times during the writing and editing process which must be a good sign.

Clive – Ha-ha, yes, I suppose if the writer doesn’t find it funny then the rest of us won’t.

Alan – That’s exactly the way I see it.

Clive – Now, I’m given to understand that you also had some hospital treatment last year. Could you elaborate?

Alan – Not really, Clive, because the mere thought of it leaves me squirming with embarrassment. Let’s just say I’ve been given the all clear.

Clive – Well thank heavens for that.

Alan – Yes, I was a tad worried for a while but in the end it was fine.

Clive – Thankfully you’ve come through it. I’d like to ask you what do find helps the writing process.

Alan – Ha-ha! A lot of my contemporaries put their ability to write down to coffee (audience laughs) and some would say that wine is their go to beverage. Personally, I drink a lot of squash and water whilst writing. There has been one major factor in getting Beastie finished however…

Clive – And what is that?

Alan – I was gifted the most excellent computer by my in-laws, the Morgan family. It’s a wonderful machine and has helped speed up the writing of Beastie considerably.

Clive – Oh that’s so kind of them.

Alan – They are the salt of the Earth Clive. The salt of the Earth. Can I give them a wave?

Clive – Of course, please do.

Alan – (waving) Hi Sandra, Paul and Steven. I’ll never forget what you did last year. Love you all.

Clive – And it is so important to have the right equipment.

Alan – Said the actress to the bishop.

Clive – Ha-ha, yes, quite so. Tell me, what is the hardest part of writing a novel?

Alan – It’s a mammoth task Clive, although I always say that writing a book is a damn sight easier than it is trying to sell the bloody thing.

Clive – Ha-ha! So marketing isn’t something you enjoy?

Alan – Remember what I said about Kier Starmer and the pitbull? The same thing applies to marketing as far as I’m concerned.

Clive – I see (chuckles), so what do you consider the easiest part of writing a novel?

Alan – Typing the words: THE END!

Clive – (laughs) Well I can understand that it must be a huge relief when the time comes.

Alan – You have no idea (laughs)

Clive – Getting back to Beastie, are there any new characters?

Alan – There are Clive, yes. I always try and incorporate new characters with every book. There’s a couple of interesting ones for sure in Beastie.

Clive – Will Lady Stark-Raven be prominent in Beastie?

Alan – This is the most prominence Her Ladyship has had since The Pheasants Revolt. I felt she was underused in Hot Eire and tried to include her a lot more in Medicine Show. But yes, she’s right in the thick of things this time round. But let’s never forget who the real star of the books is.

Clive – Joe Wilkie.

Alan – The one and only.

Clive – In Medicine Show, your last book, we saw a slightly different, dare I say steely, side to Joe; especially in the way he dealt with Delius Myth. Has that aspect of his character progressed at all in Beastie?

Alan – A little bit. Joe’s getting older with each book and whilst not necessarily wiser, he is beginning to stand his ground more often. What I don’t what Joe to do, of course, is to lose that wonderful naïve optimism that made him so adorable in the start with Ah Boy!

Clive – Now, about Joe’s naivety. He’s a slow learner isn’t he?

Alan – Very much so.

Clive – Does it not concern you that some people may think you’re having fun at the expense of a slow learner?

Alan – Not at all. I’ve never made light of the fact that he’s a slow learner. Joe is always the hero and always will be. I wish more people in this awful world were as tolerant and forgiving as Joe is. Also, I firmly believe that Joe’s learning ability is very often a strength for him rather than a weakness. It’s both a sword and shield in many ways. Seriously Clive, if I thought for one moment that I was making fun of slow learners then I would stop the Blessham Books and start something new. But I’m not making fun of slow learners. In the character of Joe Wilkie I’m championing slow learners. Joe is the kindest person in the history of literature and I intend to keep him that way.

Clive – Fair point. So finally, Alan, how can people get hold of a copy of Beastie?

Alan – It’s available from April the 1st on Amazon as a Kindle download for £2.99 and a paperback for £9.99. You can pre-order it now.

Clive – That really is the most incredible bargain.

Alan – What can I say? I’m a generous soul.

Clive – You certainly are. Sadly that’s all we’ve got time for. Alan Stevenson, thank you so much and I hope you’ll come back and tell us all about your next book when it comes out.

Alan – I’d love to Clive.

Clive – So there you have it folks. A new Joe Wilkie novel, what’s not to love about that? Join me next time when my guest will be the prime minster, Sir Kier Starmer. Goodnight.

(cue theme music and applause)