How can I tell people about my new novel (available for pre-order on Amazon) without giving too much away? It’s that old thing again about giving people enough information to interest them versus giving too much and leaving them non-plussed or disinterested. I tell you, it’s a lot harder than you might think.

But then I came up with the following idea for an interview.

I’m nowhere near famous enough for anyone else to bother interviewing me and so I thought I’d interview myself. Anyone who has seen the hilariously excellent Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge series will know that on one episode Alan interviews himself. Naturally it all goes horribly wrong as one would expect from Steve Coogan’s most famous creation but of course the main reason for the failure is Partridge’s own narcissism.

Well, I’m the last person in the world you could accuse of being a narcissist. I know my place and it’s somewhere near the bottom of the heap. That’s not to say that I don’t believe in my books and their ability to spread joy and laughter, it’s just that I’ve never been one to blow my own trumpet.

And besides, I thought that interviewing myself might be a fun exercise for me to do.

Now, obviously it could get confusing with both myself and the interviewer being called Alan and so I’ll adopt the name of Clive for the interviewer, purely because I think it’s a good sounding name for such a role and it’s a pleasant enough name as well.

So, here we go then…

Interview With Myself

(cue theme music and audience applause)

Clive – Hello, and welcome to The Clive Show, with me, your host, Clive. On today’s show we have the independent author Alan Stevenson, who is going to be telling us about his new novel. Alan, welcome to the show and thank you for joining me.

Alan – Thank you for having me Clive.

Clive – Let’s start by telling the viewers a little bit about yourself.

Alan – Let’s not.

Clive – Touché!

Alan – Bless you.

Clive – So tell us about your latest comedy novel instead.

Alan – For sure. It’s my eighth book so far and fifth in the Blessham series featuring the lovable protagonist Joe Wilkie.

Clive – I want to read it already, ha-ha. What’s the title of this one?

Alan – It’s called Beastie, Clive.

Clive – Beastie eh? Sounds intriguing. Without giving too much away can you briefly tell us what the plot is about?

Alan – Well, as you know Clive, Joe Wilkie is always in the thick of things in Blessham and this time he comes up against an unknown foe in the form of a strange creature that is lurking in the woods. Of course, being Joe he becomes embroiled in the search for this mysterious beast with the usual calamitous outcomes.

Clive – Yes, I always wonder what our Mr Wilkie will get up to next. Can you tell us what the strange creature is?

Alan – (chuckles) No, I don’t want to give that away Clive, not just yet.

Clive – Fair enough. Can I then ask where the inspiration for this novel came?

Alan – It came from my fascination with the stories and sightings that people claim to have seen big cats such as leopards, pumas and lynx roaming the UK countryside.

Clive – I see. Do you believe these sightings to be true yourself?

Alan – I suppose some of them, possibly most of them actually, will be sightings of large black or brown dogs or something else of a similar size such as sheep with dark wool. But there have been some videos circulating that offer a tantalising chance that they are out there.

Clive – Would you like them to be out there?

Alan – Yes and no, I suppose. Yes in so much as I’d be thrilled to see one and no in so much that if there was definite proof of the existence of a panther or puma then some hot-headed lug nuts are going to bounding around the countryside with guns trying to eliminate them.

Clive – Well, they certainly are beautiful creatures but what about the danger to the public?

Alan – Personally I’d rather come face to face with a big cat than have to suffer this intolerable government that we currently have. They are the real danger to the public.

Clive – (laughs) But you haven’t come all the way here to talk about politics.

Alan – Absolutely, I’d rather have my testicles bitten off by an angry pitbull than have to talk about Kier Starmer. The man’s an arse!

Clive – How very right you are. So, have you given us a clue there as to what the creature in Beastie is? A big Cat?

Alan – (smiles at audience) Nope!

Clive – Aah, you’re remaining tight lipped on that one.

Alan – For now.

Clive – Ok, we’ll leave it there then. Beastie is the fifth title in the Joe Wilkie series. Compared to the other four how difficult was the writing process.

Alan – I’ve always maintained that The Pheasants Revolt is my favourite of Joe’s adventures but that may be down to the fact that it was the easiest to write. With Beastie, I wouldn’t say it was any harder to write than say Hot Eire or Medicine Show, or even Ah Boy! The biggest issue I’ve had with Beastie has been my own health disrupting the writing process.

Clive – Yes, I believe you have fibromyalgia.

Alan – And then some Clive. My muscles constantly hurt. I also have cervical spondylosis which is a pain in the neck and sciatica which is a pain in the arse. Both quite literally.

Clive – So chronic physical pain gets in the way of things.

Alan – Sadly yes.

Clive – But despite all the pain, have you enjoyed writing Beastie on the good days?

Alan – Yes I have Clive. Very much so. I’ve laughed out loud so many times during the writing and editing process which must be a good sign.

Clive – Ha-ha, yes, I suppose if the writer doesn’t find it funny then the rest of us won’t.

Alan – That’s exactly the way I see it.

Clive – Now, I’m given to understand that you also had some hospital treatment last year. Could you elaborate?

Alan – Not really, Clive, because the mere thought of it leaves me squirming with embarrassment. Let’s just say I’ve been given the all clear.

Clive – Well thank heavens for that.

Alan – Yes, I was a tad worried for a while but in the end it was fine.

Clive – Thankfully you’ve come through it. I’d like to ask you what do find helps the writing process.

Alan – Ha-ha! A lot of my contemporaries put their ability to write down to coffee (audience laughs) and some would say that wine is their go to beverage. Personally, I drink a lot of squash and water whilst writing. There has been one major factor in getting Beastie finished however…

Clive – And what is that?

Alan – I was gifted the most excellent computer by my in-laws, the Morgan family. It’s a wonderful machine and has helped speed up the writing of Beastie considerably.

Clive – Oh that’s so kind of them.

Alan – They are the salt of the Earth Clive. The salt of the Earth. Can I give them a wave?

Clive – Of course, please do.

Alan – (waving) Hi Sandra, Paul and Steven. I’ll never forget what you did last year. Love you all.

Clive – And it is so important to have the right equipment.

Alan – Said the actress to the bishop.

Clive – Ha-ha, yes, quite so. Tell me, what is the hardest part of writing a novel?

Alan – It’s a mammoth task Clive, although I always say that writing a book is a damn sight easier than it is trying to sell the bloody thing.

Clive – Ha-ha! So marketing isn’t something you enjoy?

Alan – Remember what I said about Kier Starmer and the pitbull? The same thing applies to marketing as far as I’m concerned.

Clive – I see (chuckles), so what do you consider the easiest part of writing a novel?

Alan – Typing the words: THE END!

Clive – (laughs) Well I can understand that it must be a huge relief when the time comes.

Alan – You have no idea (laughs)

Clive – Getting back to Beastie, are there any new characters?

Alan – There are Clive, yes. I always try and incorporate new characters with every book. There’s a couple of interesting ones for sure in Beastie.

Clive – Will Lady Stark-Raven be prominent in Beastie?

Alan – This is the most prominence Her Ladyship has had since The Pheasants Revolt. I felt she was underused in Hot Eire and tried to include her a lot more in Medicine Show. But yes, she’s right in the thick of things this time round. But let’s never forget who the real star of the books is.

Clive – Joe Wilkie.

Alan – The one and only.

Clive – In Medicine Show, your last book, we saw a slightly different, dare I say steely, side to Joe; especially in the way he dealt with Delius Myth. Has that aspect of his character progressed at all in Beastie?

Alan – A little bit. Joe’s getting older with each book and whilst not necessarily wiser, he is beginning to stand his ground more often. What I don’t what Joe to do, of course, is to lose that wonderful naïve optimism that made him so adorable in the start with Ah Boy!

Clive – Now, about Joe’s naivety. He’s a slow learner isn’t he?

Alan – Very much so.

Clive – Does it not concern you that some people may think you’re having fun at the expense of a slow learner?

Alan – Not at all. I’ve never made light of the fact that he’s a slow learner. Joe is always the hero and always will be. I wish more people in this awful world were as tolerant and forgiving as Joe is. Also, I firmly believe that Joe’s learning ability is very often a strength for him rather than a weakness. It’s both a sword and shield in many ways. Seriously Clive, if I thought for one moment that I was making fun of slow learners then I would stop the Blessham Books and start something new. But I’m not making fun of slow learners. In the character of Joe Wilkie I’m championing slow learners. Joe is the kindest person in the history of literature and I intend to keep him that way.

Clive – Fair point. So finally, Alan, how can people get hold of a copy of Beastie?

Alan – It’s available from April the 1st on Amazon as a Kindle download for £2.99 and a paperback for £9.99. You can pre-order it now.

Clive – That really is the most incredible bargain.

Alan – What can I say? I’m a generous soul.

Clive – You certainly are. Sadly that’s all we’ve got time for. Alan Stevenson, thank you so much and I hope you’ll come back and tell us all about your next book when it comes out.

Alan – I’d love to Clive.

Clive – So there you have it folks. A new Joe Wilkie novel, what’s not to love about that? Join me next time when my guest will be the prime minster, Sir Kier Starmer. Goodnight.

(cue theme music and applause)