A few years ago I tried my hand at writing a children’s book. It was aimed at kids aged between 6 to 8 years old and if I’m perfectly honest it was riding on the coat tails of the My Bum is Broken book that was getting a lot of social media attention at the time. You know, the one where the Scottish grandmother reads it to the small child but can’t stop laughing.

Anyway, here is my half-arsed attempt at a children’s book, which was inspired by a comment our granddaughter made in the car one day when we drove past a water treatment works. That comment became the title of the story.

And so I present to you…

Has Someone Farted?

By Alan Stevenson

For Erin (obviously)

One day whilst she was playing

With all her favourite toys

A little girl she heard a sound

A dreadful, tearing noise

And then there came an odour

Quite an awful reek

And so to all her family

The little girl did speak

“Has someone farted?”

Said the little girl to her mum.

“I thought I heard the sound of one

Come from someone’s bum”

“It wasn’t me my darling love.”

The little girl’s mum replied

“All of my own mummy farts

Are still kept well inside.”

“Has someone farted?”

Said the little girl to her Dad.

“I feel so sure that someone has

The air smells oh so bad.”

“It wasn’t me my cherub.”

Said Daddy to her so kind.

“I haven’t let a single thing

Come out of my behind.”

“Has someone farted?”

Said the little girl to Big Sis.

“I could have sworn that I heard one

It made an awful hiss.”

“Wasn’t me my sister dear.”

Big Sis said with a grin.

“When I’m in polite company

I always hold mine in.”

“Has someone farted?”

The little girl asked her brother.

“I heard a sound so very loud

And I’m afraid I’ll hear another.”

“Defo wasn’t me our kid.”

Big brother told her so.

“I’ve just come in from playing

And I haven’t let one go.”

“Has someone farted?”

The little girl questioned her aunt.

“I won’t tell on you if you have

I promise you I shan’t.”

“I certainly did not dear niece.”

The aunt replied most prim.

And pointing to her husband said

“Why not go ask him?”

“Has someone farted?”

Of her uncle she enquired.

“I feel so very certain

That a bottom burp’s been fired.”

“Not me no young lass.”

Said uncle, wise as a sage.

“Go and ask your granny

She’s at that funny age.”

“Has someone farted?”

Asked the little girl of her granny.

“The air in here was oh so sweet

And now it smells uncanny.”

“I haven’t done it my princess.”

Said Granny looking over her glasses.

“But there’s someone we know very well

That’s always releasing gasses.”

“Has someone farted?”

Said the little girl to her Grand-pappy.

“Nobody will tell me if they have

And now I feel so unhappy.”

Grand-pappy. put his finger to his lips

And “shushed” as their eyes met.

“T’was me my precious little child

But let’s keep it our secret.”

And so the little girl found out

Whose bum had gone put-put.

It was Grandfather who had let one rip

From out of his old butt.

Sadly, there our story ends

Though the moral is plain to see.

Grandpas do loud, stinky farts

But that’s just between you and he.

The (rear) End

Here endeth the posts from the Stevenson archives. I’ve rather enjoyed re-visiting them and I hope you’ve found something to smile about in them.

Its painfully obvious that I will never make it as a children’s author and will now stick to my day job of writing adult comedy.

Thank you.