It’s been a very educational week here for Ange and I. Well, regarding alpacas that is. I thought they were just under-grown llamas and seeing as how I’d heard a lot of negative things regarding the temperament of llamas I didn’t have high hopes that alpacas were all that different.

How wrong I was.

But let me start at the beginning…

As you know the lady of the manor, my lovely wife Ange, has had some serious health issues in the last year and a half. To wit, a heart attack, diabetes and breast cancer. Without going into too much detail she’s been through the wars. A lot.

Well, it was her birthday on Saturday and I wanted to give her a bit of a treat. Partly because I’m crazy about her and partly because after all she’s been through I thought she damn well deserved one.

Anyone who knows Ange will tell you that she’s an absolute nut when it comes to animals. And I mean all animals. She quite literally wouldn’t harm a flea. I’ve seen her shoo a fly out of the car window with the words, “Off you pop sweetheart” when someone else would have been trying to swat the thing with anything that came to hand as if their life depended upon it.

Not Ange though. All living creatures are special and all have a right to live on this earth in her eyes. And I concur. Well, apart from that little bastard of a gnat that bit my left leg in July 2014 and made it swell up like a balloon. I wished all the torments of hell on that one.

But I digress.

Anyway, I thought long and hard as to how I could bless Ange with an animal related surprise on her birthday and then I saw an advert for the Wood End Alpaca Experience. It was a lightbulb moment! I knew instantly then that we would be going to see those wonderful creatures.

And what wonderful creatures they indeed are.

And what wonderful people ran the farm as well.

I had been stressing the few days before the Saturday we were due to go as the car suffered a major malfunction and I began to panic as to how we would get there. It’s not far from us, just over in the Forest of Bowland, but there is zero public transport there and there’s no way either of us could walk 18 miles. Heck! I struggle with 18 metres.

Thankfully we had the car back on Friday afternoon and so on the big day itself we set off for the farm with smiles on our faces. I had done a sterling job of keeping it a secret. All Ange knew about it was that I was taking her for a surprise day out.

I must add at this point that the scenery on the journey was enough to make a grown man cry and in fact, I nearly did. It was beyond beautiful and then some. And, despite a bit of a contretemps with a total idiot cyclist who wasn’t watching where he was going, we arrived in plenty of time.

We were warmly met by Alison, whose family have run the farm for generations, and sat in the tea room as the other guests arrived. I hadn’t expected so many people to be interested in alpacas but there were folks there from all walks of life.

After a pep talk and some alpaca information from Alison we were ready to meet our alpaca for the afternoon. I must say that Alison knows her stuff. Alpacas are curious little things. Yes, they do spit but not at people. They tend to spit at one another and the only time Alison has ever been spat on was when she was caught in the crossfire between two of them. They don’t like being touched on their bottoms though, but then again who does, and will kick with their back legs if you pat them there.

They don’t like you coming towards them from the side either. It’s best to approach them head on and then you can gently move to the side and put your arm around their necks for a cuddle which they seem to rather enjoy.

Another interesting fact is that alpacas communicate between themselves by humming and it’s quite an amusing sound to hear. I wonder if they know any tunes.

Everyone in the group was carefully selected an alpaca that suited them best. I’d chosen to not have one myself as I had visions of being dragged screaming across the fells by it, but Ange was given a very placid and friendly little chap called Marley.

We were given a few more tips on handling these lovely beasts and then it was time to set off. I quickly called Alison to one side to enquire how strenuous the walk would be and was a little alarmed at her reply. It wasn’t too bad but there was a fair bit of walking involved. I told her that I would most likely be bringing up the rear… From a good long way behind. Alison very kindly offered to let me use the off road vehicle that they have on the farm for such occasions but I declined. Rather foolishly in hindsight; I wish now that I’d taken her up on the offer.

Nonetheless we set off and Ange was soon in her element, bonding with Marley and enjoying the sunshine. And by gum the sun was certainly doing that. It was a grand day to be out and about. I’d wisely worn my trusty tarp hat but it rapidly began to form a thick band of sweat where it came into contact with my forehead.

There was fun and laughter aplenty and everyone got along with each other. All the alpacas were marvellously well behaved and I witnessed only one minor spitting incident when one of them got too close to another for comfort. Still, they are very much like sheep in that they like to follow the rest of the herd.

Marley was very well behaved although he did keep stopping for a scratch as he’d recently been sheared. Well, you know what it’s like when you’ve just had your hair done.

We reached the halfway point and I caught up with the rest of them. By now I was sweating like donner meat in a kebab shop and my heart was going like the intro to Overkill by Motorhead. My legs were threatening to give way from beneath me and my feet felt as hot and hard as flat irons.

However, I’d made it thus far by sheer Herculean will.

We stopped for a break as it was time to feed the animals and bags of alpaca food were distributed. I think this was the part that Ange enjoyed the best. Alpacas have very soft muzzles and no upper teeth at the front so the chances of getting an accidental bite are virtually nil. Marley certainly enjoyed his lunch and I was about ready for mine.

After the feeding we made our way back to the farm. I was particularly slow by now and I told Alison that I would go straight to the tea room rather than the alpaca shed. I knew that if I didn’t sit down very soon then the chances of me falling down were seriously high.

I had two pints of Vimto and a further two pints of water in quick succession in the tea room.

Eventually the rest of the group returned. Ange and I ate a really rather splendid cream tea with scones, jam and clotted cream and then it was time to leave. We’d had fun with alpacas, seen kittens, lambs and calves and Ange had held a collie puppy. But there was one more treat for her on the way out. Two handsome looking rare breed pigs. Ange loves all things piggy and so it was a nice farewell to the farm to see them.

So what a right good day we had. I still haven’t recovered and I know its going to take a bit of time before I do. But it was worth it to see the look on my Ange’s face when she was walking Marley.

P.S – I’d recommend alpaca walking to anybody and you could do no better in my opinion than Wood End Farm. Here’s a link to their website: Wood End Alpacas.